Monday, January 19, 2015

The Quest

I am, at age 50-something, looking for something more "out of" God. Not something more that He SHOULD be giving me, but what He has already given and still is giving. Something more than religion, the Church, and generations of preachers have taught. I feel a yearning to know and embrace the true God-the God of lightning and thunder, the God of passionate love, the God of miracles and grace, the great and terrible God, the Lover, Friend, Savior, and yes, the Destroyer, the Holy One.  Something more that I know really exists: He who loves the unloveable, He who forgives the unforgivable, He who empowers the frail, heals the sick, raises the dead, disciplines the wayward.  All of it.  I am tired of the same old, same old: performing and trying, living under church rules and structure.  I feel a desperate stirring in my spirit that a change needs to happen, but it will only come if we fight for it.  If we reject complacency and safety and pursue danger. By danger I don't mean sin or apostasy, but by living recklessly, by believing that the God we proclaim is ENOUGH for everything. Enough for our sicknesses, enough for our poverty, enough for our emotional and mental failings enough for our boredom, addictions and dysfunction.  Enough to drag us out of old paradigms and false beliefs that have flowed down through family and religious generations.

We cannot reach the Lost (by this I mean those living outside of Christ) if we are living like we're lost!  We can fake faith, drum up some falsely exuberant testimony, chant the memorized salvation message, corner some poor soul into a Jesus confession, but really, at the end of the day, what do we actually possess?  And what about the one we "converted?" Is his rebirth real, lasting and life-changing?  Are we living a joyful, victorious life?  Or are we guiltily beating back our sin nature, dodging our demons, and numbing our souls with acceptable idols (entertainment, shopping, food, and the like)? Are we treating our spouses and families with love and kindness, are we truthful to the core?  Are we joyful, forgiving, hopeful, faithful and exhibiting the rest of the Spirit fruits? Or do we lie to ourselves, to God and everyone else? Do we pretend to be better than we are?  Do we rage and tantrum, spew bitterness, pursue self-centered goals...in short-worship ourselves?

Is our faith REAL or is it founded in fear? Are we terrified of Hell, the opinion of others, our penchant for sin, and the future?

These are just some questions I'm asking myself (and now you, dear Reader :).  That is why I'm risking offending fellow believers with my explorations of edgy teachers like John Crowder, re-exploring historical sages like C.S. Lewis, plumbing various Bible translations to ferret out the meat of passages instead of drinking milk regurgitated from in-vogue and approved teachers.  I am taking a sabbatical from church, from listening to preaching... I'm taking this time to listen to the Holy Spirit, to study the Word, and to live outside of religious "have-to's." And I am not afraid I will fall away from the truth; rather I believe I will enter into it with more fully, with greater love, power and authority as an outcome.

"But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh. To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. "Jude 20-25.

Live with Abandon (Newsboys)

Chasing after this world makes me tired
Praisin' my own name leaves me dry
There's gotta be so much more to life than this
A higher calling that I missed
I want my life to count, every breath

 I wanna live with abandon
Give You all that I am
Every part of my heart Jesus
I place in Your hands
I wanna live with abandon

 I'll drop everything to follow You
It's only Your hands I hold onto
 There's gotta be more to life than this
A higher calling that I missed
I want my life to count, every breath

 I'm not looking back
I'm done with that
Wanna give You all I have