On Leash

I spend much time walking my two dogs.

One of them, my Springer spaniel, Jed, I can let run free, off-leash. He keeps an eye on me and never strays too far, even though he's a high-energy guy who loves to race up and down the hillsides. He can be trusted to heel whenever I command him: through traffic, across streets, when other dogs are walking past, etc.

The other, my wimpy, neurotic Pomeranian, Sunny, needs a leash, as she has the single-minded tendency to run off to pursue her own agenda. More than once she has narrowly escaped death by car. Yikes! The other morning I let her off leash up in the hills, just to give her a bit more exercise running free. Within 15 minutes, I was furious with her. Initially, she lagged behind, sniffing this and that, totally ignoring my whistle. Then she trotted off in the opposite direction, forcing me to run her down and tackle her. Finally, she wandered into some thick bushes and wouldn't come out, no matter how forcefully (or sweetly) I called. I eventually crashed in after her, locating her near some rotten, dead creature, drug her out, and had to hoof it double-time back home in order to get to work on time...Grrr! On the way back home, scratched, sweaty, muddy, stinky, and plotting her swift transfer to the Animal Shelter, the Lord began to use her behavior to speak to me.

You see, I resemble Sunny much more in my relationship to the Lord than I do Jed. I ignore His summons, do my own thing, run off and hide from Him, and generally can't be trusted to stay in step with Him. I don't like this picture. It has been often said that D-O-G is G-O-D backwards, and I think it's true. I think the relationship of owner to pet is much like our relationship to God. And some of us aren't the most obedient, loyal, or well-behaved pets in the world!
So what does God have to do? He leashes us. I started thinking of the leashes in my life...straps that keep me from danger, disloyalty, hardship and heartache. One such leash is my health. Whenever I get on a manic, work-a-holic, Martha-ish kick, I get sick. The illness serves to slow me down, to get me into a position where the Lord can speak to me about HIS agenda, not mine. Another leash He uses is finances. While not a true shopper, I tend to look for things to buy when I'm unhappy or bored, gravitating to books. Then when the Amazon charge on my credit card shows up, I cringe, realizing I've substituted shopping for fellowship with the Lord. So I stop shopping and spend time reading, praying, and the all-important, LISTENING. Another leash He uses with me is relationship stress. When I get on a me-kick, my close relationships begin to fall apart. My first reaction is to blame my family and friends for their clingy codependency, until I finally humble myself enough to see my insensitivity and selfishness for what it really is.

I want to be off-leash. I want to be trustworthy, loyal and sensitive to the voice of the Lord. I want to be the child that doesn't have to be harnessed in the airport. I want to stay by His side and willingly, joyfully follow Him wherever He's going, ignoring the sometimes alluring scent of sin and self-gratification. He's much better than anything this world has to offer.

I'm actually grateful for His leash on me. It proves He loves me and cares for my well-being. Just as Sunny's leash protects her from loss and death, the Lord's leash protects me from self-destruction. I hate the leash...but I love it.
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:7-11.

Fasting???!!!

Fast. The four letter word of Christianity. How it makes me squirm and sweat! I want it to be an old testament practice so I don't have to mess with it. BUT Jesus words clearly call me to the practice: "WHEN you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full." And He fasted FORTY days! So then, I must fast. My normal method is to just fast food...and drink a variety beverages to "keep up my strength."

 This, however, from Mark Buchanan's "Your God is Too Safe" convicted me: "The Fast God chooses teaches us to have his heart for the hungry, the oppressed, the naked, the homeless. It's to motivate us to do good works, God-works...what Isaiah calls repairing broken walls. When we taste a little brokenness ourselves, we have a greater sense of urgency to repair for others what is broken. Fasting is meant to scour our gut. It is God's intent that we would feel the pangs of hunger,the gnawing emptiness, the dizziness and weariness. That's how a third of the world lives. And if we never live that way even briefly, how will we learn to care for the least of these? Without hunger, our consumption will lead us deeper and deeper into acts of oblivious or intentional neglect, abuse, or exploitation of those who are hungry. Fasting gives us a small taste of what their world is like, a taste we will never get if we do not for a time forsake the taste of food."

 Ouch! Dizziness? Weariness? How will I make it through my work day? How will I function with customers? I am a serious wimp. I am an overfed American. My flesh rules me. How embarrassing. From Isaiah 58:5-9
"Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD?
“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousnessa will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

So my flesh can scream and pout like a tantrum-throwing child, but I will let the humility of my weakness press me into God and I will drink only water. Help me, Lord. Teach me your ways and your path. Let me care more about your heart and my spiritual journey than satisfying my weak flesh.

9/11

Day 11 of my spiritual journey happens to fall on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. What a hellish day that was. The atrocity and tragedy of that day is burned in our collective memories; I can still see that second tower fall as I watched it on t.v. while it happened, tears running down my face, saying, "no, no, no!" over and over.

If I let bitterness dominate my heart, however, those who died that day will have died in vain. While I must to hate terrorism with all that is in me, I must not hate my enemies. Christ commanded, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matt. 5:44). That, of course, is impossible unless we possess the agape love from the Father. We love only because "...He first loved us" (1Jn.4:19). Those who claim to love from the world's perspective offer only stolen grace. Those of us who were bought by the precious blood of Jesus know there is no grace without a cost. But for ALL who believe and call on the name of the LORD, there is grace that pays for every sin.

 I'm so grateful and moved today by the fact that I am truly free. Free to walk through my journey knowing He took every evil thing that has happened and will happen upon Himself, and will redeem every injustice, every hardship, even every atrocity, and turn it to good. May those who follow false Gods or no God at all, be filled with the knowledge of the one true God, repent and turn from their sin, receive salvation, and be examples and witnesses of Christ to the lost and floundering world. Amen.

40 Days

About a month ago, I started feeling like I need to change some things in my life; mainly, I want to live with purpose. To live a life sold out to Christ. To stop treating Him like a fishing buddy I call on just whenever I feel like fishing.

 So this past Thursday I began a 40-day journey of dedication. I have sworn off the frivolous (Facebook games, fictional books, time wasting activities, fluff-movies, etc.), and will replace them with things of substance (study, prayer, fasting, listening to God, opening my eyes to the things He's trying to show me, writing, completing previously procrastinated projects, etc.)

During this journey, I pray I gain wisdom and revelation. Peace and Passion. Purpose and victory. I want to turn from the trinkets and trifles of this world, and live with God's perspective on things. WHOM do I need to befriend, help, or encourage? WHAT do I need to do with this precious day that I get to live through just once? WHERE is God asking me to go? I need to shuck off the whiney, poor me, self-absorbed crap, and follow in his footsteps. Acts 17:28 says, "For in Him we live, move, and have our being." This is what I'm going to do...

To Live is Christ!

Haven't posted in awhile-too busy trying to figure out my life. What a waste of time! My life is God's and I don't need to figure it out! What a relief! I've been reading Francis Chan's book, "Forgotten God." Talk about powerful! I want to share a few excerpts here:

First one, "To be honest, I believe part of the desire to "know God's will for my life" is birthed in fear and results in paralysis. We are scared to make mistakes, so we fret over figuring out God's will. We wonder what living according to His will would actually look and feel like, and we are scared to find out. We forget that we were never promised a twenty-year plan of action; instead, God promises multiple times in Scripture never to leave us or forsake us."

And, "I don't want my life to be explainable without the Holy Spirit. I want people to look at my life and know that I couldn't be doing this by my own power. I want to live in such a way that I am desperate for Him to come through. That if He doesn't come through, I am screwed."

And "I don't believe God wants me (or any of his children) to live in a way that makes sense from the world's perspective, a way I know I can "manage." I believe He is calling me-and all of us-to depend on Him for living in a way that cannot be mimicked or forged. He wants us to walk in step with His Spirit rather than depend solely on the raw talent and knowledge he's given us."

And finally, "We can have a great time singing and dancing ourselves into a frenzy {in church}, but at the end of it, fire doesn't come down from heaven. People leave talking about the people who led rather than the power of God."

I LOVE this book! It has challenged me in ways I haven't thought about for years. I am guilty of losing my passion for Christ, for the Lost, for the Holy Spirit, for God's plan for the world. I've been about ME and MY world far too long, and that's changing, right now. While it's necessary to be faithful to our families,jobs, friends, obligations and connections, those things CAN'T be more important that following the leading of the the Holy Spirit. Those things can all become my WORLD, where God is squeezed into a corner. Where I pray quick little, "help me today, in my plans, God!" Really? My plans? Are you kidding me??? What about HIS plans? What about the commission to "Go and make DISCIPLES of all nations"? What about Me being the clay and Him the Potter? I'm seriously ashamed of my "little" Christianity. Of my little Jesus who doesn't raise the dead, heal the sick, save the lost, or anything. Of praying weak, "If it's Your will, Lord" prayers. What about expecting a miracle? What about believing in a God so good that I would sell everything I own and head for the nearest plane and give up ALL for His call on my life? Or go clean some disgusting toilets, talk to some stinky homeless person, give up my lattes, new shoes, nice car and reputation to FOLLOW HARD after Him? When do I realize that God isn't on my train? I need to jump on HIS and get ready for the ride of my life.

Following the Call

My husband and I both are experiencing great job dissatisfaction in our lives of late, so much so, that our attitudes have been severely (and adversely, I might add) affected. We separately decided we needed to seek God for the answers. Are we supposed to change jobs, go into some sort of ministry, move, WHAT? My passion is to make a difference in the lives of others; to spur them on to what God has in store for them, to face their fears and follow HARD after God, because only in Him can we find true satisfaction. So I'm dissatisfied. Good one, Peggy.

Why am I dissatisfied, and what can I do about it? First of all, I prayed and sought God's voice both to my spirit and by reading the Word. The single word I felt spoken into my spirit was "patience." Not my favorite word! For those of you who know me, patience isn't one of my strong suites. My dad nicknamed me (sarcastically) "Patience" when I was a child. When I decide something needs to change or get fixed, it better have happened yesterday! I used to laugh when non-homeschooling parents would say to me, "Oh I could never home school, I don't have the patience." I'd reply that as the least patient person on earth-if I could do it, ANYONE can! So what to do about the nasty word I received? Swallow it and wait for Him to move. Yay.

During this time I also had a dream one night, and in it, the Lord chastised me for not following Him wholeheartedly. For letting fear stand in the way of complete and truthful pursuit of Him. Fear of man. Fear of disappointment. Fear I would freak my non-Christian and non-Charismatic (= believing in the manifested gifts of the Spirit) Christians out. But then, not trusting myself to hear clearly (we all can be easily deceived by the enemy, desires of our flesh, and just random thoughts), I spent time in the Word-VERY important. The prophet Jeremiah is my absolute favorite biblical hero. I LOVE that man. I can't wait to get to heaven and befriend him! Hopefully he'll like me :) Anyway, I noticed he spent SO much time patiently following God's orders and standing against popular (and sinful) opinion, even of those in powerful leadership (read Jeremiah chapter 38).

 Anyway, this scripture jumped out at me (Jeremiah 29:11, 13-14a) "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future...you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me WITH ALL YOUR HEART." (Emphasis mine). Ok, Lord, I get it. I am allowing fear to stunt my growth, and even worse, to stop me from pursuing the call on my life. I am in amazed gratitude of the lengths God will go to get my attention and seize the moment to teach me something. His love is incredible, and the fact He loves me, one tiny, unimportant human in a sea of humanity, blows my mind. And the fact He has a big JOB for me, if only I get on board with his plans, stuns me.

For now, then, my plan is to (patiently) wait on Him. To pursue Him with all my heart. To proclaim His goodness and love. To TESTIFY to the fact that YOU ALL (or in Butte Lingo, "Youse guys") are just as precious, loved and CALLED as anyone, even the prophet Jeremiah. He has GREAT plans for us, plans to PROSPER us, to give us a HOPE and a FUTURE...but...we must seek Him with ALL our hearts. Amen.

We're WORTH the Change!

I have a confession: I LOVE the show, "Hoarders" on TLC! I know that is some sort of sick voyeurism, but I can't help it...I'm fascinated by what makes those folks tick. I also have to confess that I feel a huge sense of relief (mixed in with some smugness) that at least I'm not that bad! But deep down, I have a sneaking suspicion I could be one of them, given the right circumstances. In fact, I struggle with at least one area of hoarding: photos and memorabilia.

I can hardly bear to part with a single scrap of paper my children ever scribbled on. I hate the fact that there are photographs out there in the wide world in the possession of others, and I don't have a copy! Those pictures could potentially capture the absolute essence of my precious babies and I have never even SEEN them! That realization almost sends me into a panic attack. And the fact I have a granddaughter now (and grandson on the way), and her picture portfolio is managed by someone else other than me (her own mother, of course), is a thought I studiously avoid entertaining. I recently confessed to my mom that I believe I am a "memorabilia hoarder" and she replied, "yes you are!" Thanks Ma. To further add to my collecting stress, I recently started a life scrapbook for my father. He was born and raised in Butte, and my compulsion is leading me to visit the Butte archives just in case there's anything up there about him that MUST go into his scrapbook. Good luck on that mission, Peggy!

So how does this hoarding confession of mine tie in with the blog topic? Memorabilia/photo hoarding does not make me happy, not really. Oh, it fulfills a longing of mine: the hope that I can gather and keep life trapped so it doesn't slip away from me...that the tangible evidence of history in my possession somehow contains vital parts of the people I love, and if I hold onto them, I have protected and kept their lives. But that is a lie.

Now there's nothing wrong with commemorating and celebrating the lives of loved ones with scrapbooking-in fact I think it's one of the greatest forms of honoring. But the fact remains that photos and physical evidence of accomplishments are NOT the person him- or herself. This truth is tough for me. I feel like those scraps are exactly that...pieces of that person, and then when I toss out that evidence of life, I'm discarding a piece of him or her, which kills me. I am constantly at war with this compulsion. I have to choose to toss unflattering or duplicate photos out and take out the garbage right away so I can't second guess my decision. I have to limit my grieving when event photos turn out badly. I have to fight the urge to dig through my paper recycling box and LEAVE the discarded scraps of my prolific daughter's childhood artwork IN THE TRASH. Sigh. Sometimes I hate being me.

The good news is that I'm changing. I really am. I'm not completely free of my compulsion, but I'm getting better. I'm holding myself to a higher standard and talking myself through sorting decisions. I forced myself to go through my 7,000 digital picture collection on my computer, deleting duplicates (slight changes in subject's facial expressions ARE still duplicates, Peggy!), moving photos of non-family members to cd's to distribute personally (which I wish others would do for me!) as I couldn't bear just to delete them (once again, the notion that those pictures ARE that person!), and trashing the pix that are just plain bad shots. I'm also working on strengthening my deleting muscles as I practice discipline in this area.

But the biggie is that I must fully realize I have great value, simply because I exist, and that great value translates into the fact that I cannot afford to waste my life spinning in circles, ignoring the potential and power placed in me by my Creator!

Do you realize who we are? We are FORMED people. Crafted by One much more vast, powerful and intelligent than we are. One who, in spite of His incredible power, wisdom, and creativity, loves us as we are, but also loves us too much to let us stay the way we are. Here's the rub, however. He won't force change on us. We have to pick up our bag of inertia and partner with Him in realizing what He has for us. We were not crafted to slog around in the muck of self-hatred, complacency or futility. We have a calling, a life, potential, and purpose. At what point do we stop believing the lie that we can never be more than we are? That we can never change the fallout of our personalities and upbringing?

Today, realize who and what you are. That you are created in the image of GOD, a perfect being who makes no mistakes, period. Rise up to the challenge He's placing before you...to live a joyful, victorious life. He has handed us victory over the flesh, the earth, and those who oppose us. We just have to grasp the baton and start running (or maybe baby stepping!) Hebrews 12:1b-2a says, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us RUN with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on JESUS, the author and protector of our faith." Run baby, run!