In Pursuit of Zeal

In spite of my best intentions, I still find that I fill the precious days I am alloted with MY agenda, MY plans, pursuits and recreation. I more resemble a Buddhist basking in the "flow" than I do a Christian submitted to the will of Almighty God. My brand of "flow" mixes the pseudo-spiritual with the overtly worldly: while I dutifully spend time in the Word and prayer, I am impatient to finish so I can do my REAL agenda, MY plan. My plan involves piddling away on the computer (if I call it "research", I feel better about it), exercising with a passion I don't have for the things of God (apparently the health of my "earth suit" far outweighs the desire to clothe myself in righteousness), resignedly putting in my time at work, and pretty much stubbornly pursuing whatever tasks I deem mandatory for the day. Really? And yet I have the gall to wonder why I don't have a powerful, miracle-working life? How can I expect to further the Kingdom of God when I'm more concerned with building my own pitiful little queendom? Where is my passion for the Lover of my soul? Where is my honor for the King of Kings, hunger for His Word and Presence, grief for the lost, and compassion for the hurting? What evidence is there in my life that I am sold out to Jesus?

The final nail in the coffin of my conviction happened this weekend, at the Montana Aglow conference. With each message the speaker delivered, my heart broke again and again over my laziness, desire for comfort and ease, and disgusting apathy. The nations cry out for redemption-TENS of thousands of their people die DAILY without hope of heaven. What am I doing? Concocting my next clever FaceBook status. As I sip my $4.00 lattes and chow down on Halloween candy, millions of precious children starve. While I shop for clothes I don't really need, the homeless huddle to stay warm. While I take vitamins, jealously guard my sleep, and rarely miss the latest Survivor episode, thousands of the unborn, created in the image of God, are sacrificed daily to the god of convenience. I am pathetic.

Not only am I ashamed, I am undone. And I pray that I never, ever get over my undoing until the day I die. I pray that grief over this self indulgent, wasteful, and apathetic living leads me to "LOVE the Lord MY God with ALL my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength, and to LOVE my neighbor as myself." (Luke 10:27) I pray that I never again forget that my number one priority in this life is to be the bride of Christ. A bride so consumed with love, passion, and zeal that she will pour out her life EVERY day in selfless devotion to her Lord. That she will cry out continuously to be sent to the world's lost and dying. That she will live to die. So help me God.

Sacrifice

The story of the Abraham's testing found in Genesis 22:1-19 has always disturbed me. Not only does God here seem like an evil pagan deity demanding human sacrifice, but He seems like a reneger: promising Abraham something wonderful, yet after YEARS of waiting to give him the promised son, He cruelly demands him back. I cringe at this story, and subsequently have jammed it (along with the story of Job) into one of my imaginary drawers -a drawer I label, "bad bible stories to avoid."

The other morning, however, when I was praying for direction and wisdom, this story popped into my head. Rather than allowing myself to suspect God of a dark side, I patiently waited for revelation. And here's what I realized: Abraham had some past issues with his character; to be blunt, he acted like a weasel on at least three occasions in his past. Twice he attempted to pass his wife off as his sister in order to protect himself, even though she could have been sexually compromised or even raped, and then he passively agreed to sleep with his wife's servant in order to conceive the promised child. These failings pointed to a lack of faith, loyalty and trust in God.

The Lord designed a trial for Abraham-not for God's peace of mind (he KNEW how Abraham would respond, He's GOD, after all), but to reveal to Abraham his own heart. He proved himself, to himself, that he would obey God at all costs; he would not waver, even when God didn't make sense or seemed cruel, demanding the one thing Abraham had prayed and longed for, the promise fulfilled, and now demanded back. Abraham is recorded in scripture as "the friend of God" and "the father of all those who believe, not the coward, manipulator or wife-betrayer he had been.

The apostle Peter too was tested. During his test, he denied Christ THREE times, exactly as Jesus prophesied he would. This hothead even denied to Jesus' face that he would deny! So he failed his test, but the results of that failure broke his heart. He became a new person that day, a man of power, one who boldly preached the gospel, healed the sick and raised the dead- a rock of the early church. His loyalty to Christ eventually led him to a martyr's crucifixion.

So I don't hate the Isaac near-sacrifice story any longer. Abraham's test proved his mettle, and though I can't help but think Isaac would have been scarred for life after this incident, I also think he would have been amazed by his father's faith in action-faith that trusts God to come through no matter how impossible the circumstances.

I have always thought I would have failed Abraham's test. My children (and now my grandchildren), have always been the greatest joy of my life. I think I would have had to slit my own throat just to escape God's command! Thank God I'm not Abraham. I may not need THAT test (please, God!). I most likely need some other test-a test designed for me-designed to show me what I'm made of. I'm sure I would be depressed by my vast failings, but maybe I would be pleasantly surprised at hidden strength. I want to be like Abraham-one who trusts God and has no other person, place or thing that takes precedence over my Lord. I want to lay down my life to answer His call, with nothing standing in the way of my passion and love for Him. I also want to be like Peter-one whose personal failings drive him to change-to transform him into the person God called and equipped him to be.

Seasons

As I rapidly approach my fiftieth birthday (YES, I said FIFTY!), I started thinking about what generational "season" my age puts me into. I'm guessing autumn, which sort of depresses me, as autumn represents aging, slowing down, flowers dying, stuff shriveling up... Realistically, however, I'm past the spring of childhood and the summer of reproduction and youthful vigor, so I must be into autumn. Rather than focus on the shriveling and dying part, I'm focusing on the brilliant colors, the frosty, beautiful mornings, hunting season, harvest and Thanksgiving...now I feel much better and can continue!

Ruminating on seasons of age transitioned into thoughts of other life seasons, and when to recognize when a chapter is over, a season has ended, and how to move into the next one without becoming mired in grief and inertia.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, "There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

I love that scripture passage. It gives me hope that no matter what sort of disturbance is going on in my life, it means something. It's a "time" that needs to occur. And when some friendships fade or become unwieldy, it may be ok to let go of them, or at least let them adjust into a new season, a new dynamic. Sometimes I've even had to "kill" a relationship, and later on, when things changed, healing came in, and the friendship was later reborn in order to be established in a much healthier manner. There are also times to confront, and times to shut up and pray for a person. Times to tear away from a job or ministry when it's time to embrace a new opportunity. It's often difficult to let go of something and plunge ahead into the unknown, when the way isn't clearly marked or laid out. This is the time of relying on FAITH. Trusting we've heard from God to move on, and to do it, relying on the fact that He's faithful and will lead us into the new season.

During these times of letting go or uprooting, I have often lapsed into fear, holding onto to the known longer than God wanted me to. Sticking with a ministry out of guilt or the fear no one would emerge to take it on. Remaining an enabling friend when the Lord has called me to show "tough love" and let the friend flounder on her own, flapping her wings in order to build strength and trust in God to care for her. Interfering with natural consequences that would teach a friend to make wise choices.

I have decided that this season of my life will be one of beauty and harvest. Not natural, physical beauty, but beauty of the soul...beauty that, "Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Pet. 3:4). And harvest. The reaping of sowing into the lives of others, whether they be my grandchildren or chance meetings in the grocery store. The harvest of the fruits of the Spirit that come only by living by the Spirit, not according the the flesh. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."(Gal 5:22-25). Not operating out of my logic and dysfunctional guilt or letting the emotions of others manipulate me, but operating out of Truth, being led by the Holy Spirit in all my relationships and encounters. Letting the King direct my paths, choices, and schedule. Submitting my life to HIS perfect will and plan. Amen.

On Leash

I spend much time walking my two dogs.

One of them, my Springer spaniel, Jed, I can let run free, off-leash. He keeps an eye on me and never strays too far, even though he's a high-energy guy who loves to race up and down the hillsides. He can be trusted to heel whenever I command him: through traffic, across streets, when other dogs are walking past, etc.

The other, my wimpy, neurotic Pomeranian, Sunny, needs a leash, as she has the single-minded tendency to run off to pursue her own agenda. More than once she has narrowly escaped death by car. Yikes! The other morning I let her off leash up in the hills, just to give her a bit more exercise running free. Within 15 minutes, I was furious with her. Initially, she lagged behind, sniffing this and that, totally ignoring my whistle. Then she trotted off in the opposite direction, forcing me to run her down and tackle her. Finally, she wandered into some thick bushes and wouldn't come out, no matter how forcefully (or sweetly) I called. I eventually crashed in after her, locating her near some rotten, dead creature, drug her out, and had to hoof it double-time back home in order to get to work on time...Grrr! On the way back home, scratched, sweaty, muddy, stinky, and plotting her swift transfer to the Animal Shelter, the Lord began to use her behavior to speak to me.

You see, I resemble Sunny much more in my relationship to the Lord than I do Jed. I ignore His summons, do my own thing, run off and hide from Him, and generally can't be trusted to stay in step with Him. I don't like this picture. It has been often said that D-O-G is G-O-D backwards, and I think it's true. I think the relationship of owner to pet is much like our relationship to God. And some of us aren't the most obedient, loyal, or well-behaved pets in the world!
So what does God have to do? He leashes us. I started thinking of the leashes in my life...straps that keep me from danger, disloyalty, hardship and heartache. One such leash is my health. Whenever I get on a manic, work-a-holic, Martha-ish kick, I get sick. The illness serves to slow me down, to get me into a position where the Lord can speak to me about HIS agenda, not mine. Another leash He uses is finances. While not a true shopper, I tend to look for things to buy when I'm unhappy or bored, gravitating to books. Then when the Amazon charge on my credit card shows up, I cringe, realizing I've substituted shopping for fellowship with the Lord. So I stop shopping and spend time reading, praying, and the all-important, LISTENING. Another leash He uses with me is relationship stress. When I get on a me-kick, my close relationships begin to fall apart. My first reaction is to blame my family and friends for their clingy codependency, until I finally humble myself enough to see my insensitivity and selfishness for what it really is.

I want to be off-leash. I want to be trustworthy, loyal and sensitive to the voice of the Lord. I want to be the child that doesn't have to be harnessed in the airport. I want to stay by His side and willingly, joyfully follow Him wherever He's going, ignoring the sometimes alluring scent of sin and self-gratification. He's much better than anything this world has to offer.

I'm actually grateful for His leash on me. It proves He loves me and cares for my well-being. Just as Sunny's leash protects her from loss and death, the Lord's leash protects me from self-destruction. I hate the leash...but I love it.
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:7-11.

Fasting???!!!

Fast. The four letter word of Christianity. How it makes me squirm and sweat! I want it to be an old testament practice so I don't have to mess with it. BUT Jesus words clearly call me to the practice: "WHEN you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full." And He fasted FORTY days! So then, I must fast. My normal method is to just fast food...and drink a variety beverages to "keep up my strength."

 This, however, from Mark Buchanan's "Your God is Too Safe" convicted me: "The Fast God chooses teaches us to have his heart for the hungry, the oppressed, the naked, the homeless. It's to motivate us to do good works, God-works...what Isaiah calls repairing broken walls. When we taste a little brokenness ourselves, we have a greater sense of urgency to repair for others what is broken. Fasting is meant to scour our gut. It is God's intent that we would feel the pangs of hunger,the gnawing emptiness, the dizziness and weariness. That's how a third of the world lives. And if we never live that way even briefly, how will we learn to care for the least of these? Without hunger, our consumption will lead us deeper and deeper into acts of oblivious or intentional neglect, abuse, or exploitation of those who are hungry. Fasting gives us a small taste of what their world is like, a taste we will never get if we do not for a time forsake the taste of food."

 Ouch! Dizziness? Weariness? How will I make it through my work day? How will I function with customers? I am a serious wimp. I am an overfed American. My flesh rules me. How embarrassing. From Isaiah 58:5-9
"Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD?
“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousnessa will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

So my flesh can scream and pout like a tantrum-throwing child, but I will let the humility of my weakness press me into God and I will drink only water. Help me, Lord. Teach me your ways and your path. Let me care more about your heart and my spiritual journey than satisfying my weak flesh.

9/11

Day 11 of my spiritual journey happens to fall on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. What a hellish day that was. The atrocity and tragedy of that day is burned in our collective memories; I can still see that second tower fall as I watched it on t.v. while it happened, tears running down my face, saying, "no, no, no!" over and over.

If I let bitterness dominate my heart, however, those who died that day will have died in vain. While I must to hate terrorism with all that is in me, I must not hate my enemies. Christ commanded, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matt. 5:44). That, of course, is impossible unless we possess the agape love from the Father. We love only because "...He first loved us" (1Jn.4:19). Those who claim to love from the world's perspective offer only stolen grace. Those of us who were bought by the precious blood of Jesus know there is no grace without a cost. But for ALL who believe and call on the name of the LORD, there is grace that pays for every sin.

 I'm so grateful and moved today by the fact that I am truly free. Free to walk through my journey knowing He took every evil thing that has happened and will happen upon Himself, and will redeem every injustice, every hardship, even every atrocity, and turn it to good. May those who follow false Gods or no God at all, be filled with the knowledge of the one true God, repent and turn from their sin, receive salvation, and be examples and witnesses of Christ to the lost and floundering world. Amen.

40 Days

About a month ago, I started feeling like I need to change some things in my life; mainly, I want to live with purpose. To live a life sold out to Christ. To stop treating Him like a fishing buddy I call on just whenever I feel like fishing.

 So this past Thursday I began a 40-day journey of dedication. I have sworn off the frivolous (Facebook games, fictional books, time wasting activities, fluff-movies, etc.), and will replace them with things of substance (study, prayer, fasting, listening to God, opening my eyes to the things He's trying to show me, writing, completing previously procrastinated projects, etc.)

During this journey, I pray I gain wisdom and revelation. Peace and Passion. Purpose and victory. I want to turn from the trinkets and trifles of this world, and live with God's perspective on things. WHOM do I need to befriend, help, or encourage? WHAT do I need to do with this precious day that I get to live through just once? WHERE is God asking me to go? I need to shuck off the whiney, poor me, self-absorbed crap, and follow in his footsteps. Acts 17:28 says, "For in Him we live, move, and have our being." This is what I'm going to do...