Which Are You Feeding?

As I sat today, open bible on lap, ready to read, pray, and soak in the Lord's presence, I kept finding my mind wandering...traveling to scenes and fantasies whereby I came out on top, the heroine of the day...an argument won, an enemy admitting her faults (as I magnanimously forgave her), a previously hidden talent appearing at a crucial time, wowing others with my amazing insight and spiritual giftings (!)... When I finally surfaced from my "I AM AMAZING" daydreams, I was ashamed and revolted at my childishness and pride.

While I pondered the origins of these juvenile fantasies, the following story popped into my head, one probably familiar to many: "An old Cherokee Indian was speaking to his grandson: 'A fight is going on inside me,' he said to the boy. 'It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.' The grandson thought about it for a long minute, and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?' The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'" 

Self-exalting pipe dreams feed the evil wolf. Pride was Satan's main sin, and I'm falling into his trap the minute my mind starts wandering into self-centered fantasies. Jesus warned, “What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean.’" (Mark 7:20-23). For the most part, I have conquered childish daydreaming, but occasionally, when I'm bored, distracted, or feeling insecure, I lapse into old fleshly habits. C.S. Lewis said, "Above all beware of excessive day dreaming, of seeing yourself in the centre of a drama, of self pity, and, as far as possible, of fears." Amen. By feeding myself on the Word of God and actively pursuing His presence, I feed the spirit inside me Holy things, amazing things.

 Galatians 5:16-25 says, "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."

 My deepest desire is walk with Jesus, to walk AS Jesus did, accomplishing kingdom things with my life. But on some crucial level, I have not matured, and niggling self doubt drags me into the pit of self focus.

 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [woman], I put childish ways behind me." (1 Cor. 13:11). "My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." (John 4:34) Let me feast on that!