In spite of my best intentions, I still find that I fill the precious days I am alloted with MY agenda, MY plans, pursuits and recreation. I more resemble a Buddhist basking in the "flow" than I do a Christian submitted to the will of Almighty God. My brand of "flow" mixes the pseudo-spiritual with the overtly worldly: while I dutifully spend time in the Word and prayer, I am impatient to finish so I can do my REAL agenda, MY plan. My plan involves piddling away on the computer (if I call it "research", I feel better about it), exercising with a passion I don't have for the things of God (apparently the health of my "earth suit" far outweighs the desire to clothe myself in righteousness), resignedly putting in my time at work, and pretty much stubbornly pursuing whatever tasks I deem mandatory for the day. Really? And yet I have the gall to wonder why I don't have a powerful, miracle-working life? How can I expect to further the Kingdom of God when I'm more concerned with building my own pitiful little queendom? Where is my passion for the Lover of my soul? Where is my honor for the King of Kings, hunger for His Word and Presence, grief for the lost, and compassion for the hurting? What evidence is there in my life that I am sold out to Jesus?
The final nail in the coffin of my conviction happened this weekend, at the Montana Aglow conference. With each message the speaker delivered, my heart broke again and again over my laziness, desire for comfort and ease, and disgusting apathy. The nations cry out for redemption-TENS of thousands of their people die DAILY without hope of heaven. What am I doing? Concocting my next clever FaceBook status. As I sip my $4.00 lattes and chow down on Halloween candy, millions of precious children starve. While I shop for clothes I don't really need, the homeless huddle to stay warm. While I take vitamins, jealously guard my sleep, and rarely miss the latest Survivor episode, thousands of the unborn, created in the image of God, are sacrificed daily to the god of convenience. I am pathetic.
Not only am I ashamed, I am undone. And I pray that I never, ever get over my undoing until the day I die. I pray that grief over this self indulgent, wasteful, and apathetic living leads me to "LOVE the Lord MY God with ALL my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength, and to LOVE my neighbor as myself." (Luke 10:27) I pray that I never again forget that my number one priority in this life is to be the bride of Christ. A bride so consumed with love, passion, and zeal that she will pour out her life EVERY day in selfless devotion to her Lord. That she will cry out continuously to be sent to the world's lost and dying. That she will live to die. So help me God.
Well... I think I just lost everything I posted. Sigh.... There are days I hate this computer and everything technology has done - and yet I still love it.
ReplyDeleteIt's a difficult line to walk "in the world but not of the world". Keep plugging away. God is bound to teach you something amazing and I look forward to reading about it.
I have just been feeling this sense of urgency, Karolee-that we don't have the luxury of wasting time on ourselves. That we have to "make the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Eph. 5:16 :)
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