In Pursuit of Zeal

In spite of my best intentions, I still find that I fill the precious days I am alloted with MY agenda, MY plans, pursuits and recreation. I more resemble a Buddhist basking in the "flow" than I do a Christian submitted to the will of Almighty God. My brand of "flow" mixes the pseudo-spiritual with the overtly worldly: while I dutifully spend time in the Word and prayer, I am impatient to finish so I can do my REAL agenda, MY plan. My plan involves piddling away on the computer (if I call it "research", I feel better about it), exercising with a passion I don't have for the things of God (apparently the health of my "earth suit" far outweighs the desire to clothe myself in righteousness), resignedly putting in my time at work, and pretty much stubbornly pursuing whatever tasks I deem mandatory for the day. Really? And yet I have the gall to wonder why I don't have a powerful, miracle-working life? How can I expect to further the Kingdom of God when I'm more concerned with building my own pitiful little queendom? Where is my passion for the Lover of my soul? Where is my honor for the King of Kings, hunger for His Word and Presence, grief for the lost, and compassion for the hurting? What evidence is there in my life that I am sold out to Jesus?

The final nail in the coffin of my conviction happened this weekend, at the Montana Aglow conference. With each message the speaker delivered, my heart broke again and again over my laziness, desire for comfort and ease, and disgusting apathy. The nations cry out for redemption-TENS of thousands of their people die DAILY without hope of heaven. What am I doing? Concocting my next clever FaceBook status. As I sip my $4.00 lattes and chow down on Halloween candy, millions of precious children starve. While I shop for clothes I don't really need, the homeless huddle to stay warm. While I take vitamins, jealously guard my sleep, and rarely miss the latest Survivor episode, thousands of the unborn, created in the image of God, are sacrificed daily to the god of convenience. I am pathetic.

Not only am I ashamed, I am undone. And I pray that I never, ever get over my undoing until the day I die. I pray that grief over this self indulgent, wasteful, and apathetic living leads me to "LOVE the Lord MY God with ALL my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength, and to LOVE my neighbor as myself." (Luke 10:27) I pray that I never again forget that my number one priority in this life is to be the bride of Christ. A bride so consumed with love, passion, and zeal that she will pour out her life EVERY day in selfless devotion to her Lord. That she will cry out continuously to be sent to the world's lost and dying. That she will live to die. So help me God.

Sacrifice

The story of the Abraham's testing found in Genesis 22:1-19 has always disturbed me. Not only does God here seem like an evil pagan deity demanding human sacrifice, but He seems like a reneger: promising Abraham something wonderful, yet after YEARS of waiting to give him the promised son, He cruelly demands him back. I cringe at this story, and subsequently have jammed it (along with the story of Job) into one of my imaginary drawers -a drawer I label, "bad bible stories to avoid."

The other morning, however, when I was praying for direction and wisdom, this story popped into my head. Rather than allowing myself to suspect God of a dark side, I patiently waited for revelation. And here's what I realized: Abraham had some past issues with his character; to be blunt, he acted like a weasel on at least three occasions in his past. Twice he attempted to pass his wife off as his sister in order to protect himself, even though she could have been sexually compromised or even raped, and then he passively agreed to sleep with his wife's servant in order to conceive the promised child. These failings pointed to a lack of faith, loyalty and trust in God.

The Lord designed a trial for Abraham-not for God's peace of mind (he KNEW how Abraham would respond, He's GOD, after all), but to reveal to Abraham his own heart. He proved himself, to himself, that he would obey God at all costs; he would not waver, even when God didn't make sense or seemed cruel, demanding the one thing Abraham had prayed and longed for, the promise fulfilled, and now demanded back. Abraham is recorded in scripture as "the friend of God" and "the father of all those who believe, not the coward, manipulator or wife-betrayer he had been.

The apostle Peter too was tested. During his test, he denied Christ THREE times, exactly as Jesus prophesied he would. This hothead even denied to Jesus' face that he would deny! So he failed his test, but the results of that failure broke his heart. He became a new person that day, a man of power, one who boldly preached the gospel, healed the sick and raised the dead- a rock of the early church. His loyalty to Christ eventually led him to a martyr's crucifixion.

So I don't hate the Isaac near-sacrifice story any longer. Abraham's test proved his mettle, and though I can't help but think Isaac would have been scarred for life after this incident, I also think he would have been amazed by his father's faith in action-faith that trusts God to come through no matter how impossible the circumstances.

I have always thought I would have failed Abraham's test. My children (and now my grandchildren), have always been the greatest joy of my life. I think I would have had to slit my own throat just to escape God's command! Thank God I'm not Abraham. I may not need THAT test (please, God!). I most likely need some other test-a test designed for me-designed to show me what I'm made of. I'm sure I would be depressed by my vast failings, but maybe I would be pleasantly surprised at hidden strength. I want to be like Abraham-one who trusts God and has no other person, place or thing that takes precedence over my Lord. I want to lay down my life to answer His call, with nothing standing in the way of my passion and love for Him. I also want to be like Peter-one whose personal failings drive him to change-to transform him into the person God called and equipped him to be.

Seasons

As I rapidly approach my fiftieth birthday (YES, I said FIFTY!), I started thinking about what generational "season" my age puts me into. I'm guessing autumn, which sort of depresses me, as autumn represents aging, slowing down, flowers dying, stuff shriveling up... Realistically, however, I'm past the spring of childhood and the summer of reproduction and youthful vigor, so I must be into autumn. Rather than focus on the shriveling and dying part, I'm focusing on the brilliant colors, the frosty, beautiful mornings, hunting season, harvest and Thanksgiving...now I feel much better and can continue!

Ruminating on seasons of age transitioned into thoughts of other life seasons, and when to recognize when a chapter is over, a season has ended, and how to move into the next one without becoming mired in grief and inertia.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, "There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

I love that scripture passage. It gives me hope that no matter what sort of disturbance is going on in my life, it means something. It's a "time" that needs to occur. And when some friendships fade or become unwieldy, it may be ok to let go of them, or at least let them adjust into a new season, a new dynamic. Sometimes I've even had to "kill" a relationship, and later on, when things changed, healing came in, and the friendship was later reborn in order to be established in a much healthier manner. There are also times to confront, and times to shut up and pray for a person. Times to tear away from a job or ministry when it's time to embrace a new opportunity. It's often difficult to let go of something and plunge ahead into the unknown, when the way isn't clearly marked or laid out. This is the time of relying on FAITH. Trusting we've heard from God to move on, and to do it, relying on the fact that He's faithful and will lead us into the new season.

During these times of letting go or uprooting, I have often lapsed into fear, holding onto to the known longer than God wanted me to. Sticking with a ministry out of guilt or the fear no one would emerge to take it on. Remaining an enabling friend when the Lord has called me to show "tough love" and let the friend flounder on her own, flapping her wings in order to build strength and trust in God to care for her. Interfering with natural consequences that would teach a friend to make wise choices.

I have decided that this season of my life will be one of beauty and harvest. Not natural, physical beauty, but beauty of the soul...beauty that, "Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Pet. 3:4). And harvest. The reaping of sowing into the lives of others, whether they be my grandchildren or chance meetings in the grocery store. The harvest of the fruits of the Spirit that come only by living by the Spirit, not according the the flesh. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."(Gal 5:22-25). Not operating out of my logic and dysfunctional guilt or letting the emotions of others manipulate me, but operating out of Truth, being led by the Holy Spirit in all my relationships and encounters. Letting the King direct my paths, choices, and schedule. Submitting my life to HIS perfect will and plan. Amen.